Losing Lavender
by floweroftheages
Summary: Is it a MerDer or an Addek? Know one really knows. All we know that it's a oneshot about realizing, losing and the smell of lavender...


**Losing Lavender**

**Pre-Op Author Notes: **This is a fanfic were you're left to do the thinking and imagining by your own. Is it a Addek or a MerDer? No one really knows, not even I and I wrote this one. I only know what I think, imaging and want to happen in the end.

It's really your choice people.

Have a nice reading time. **E**(njoy)**R**(eview) it!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Losing Lavender**

_I'm thinking ambitious_

_I've got this feeling things will be alright_

_So go break a leg night_

_Been given the green light_

_So go and entertain them_

_They're waiting for you_

_They're waiting for you_

"Sitting here alone." Meredith looked away from the star sprinkled sky to meet Derek Shepherds face. "Why?"

She sighed and returned to the star struck sky.

"I don't know." she smiled and tears started to slowly build up behind her eyes just by looking at him. "Maybe because my crapy" Meredith gave out a vague laugh, full of irony." friends all work tonight." she paused. "That's my 'why'."

Derek looked at her. He had really turned her into to a wrack of miserableness, and he was truly sorry for it. Derek could see her eyes watering a bit, but he could also see her hiding it, and she did it well.

He sat down on the bench and he could immediately feel the smell of lavender, from her conditioner. It smelled like nothing else. Of course he had smelled lavender before, but to smell it from her hair, it felt unique.

"Do you think I'm blind Derek?" Meredith said and smiled, when seeing the 'gone' look in his eyes. "You're staring at me!"

"What! No! I'm just looking at those threes behind you." Derek said nervously to convince the woman beside him. "Funny shapes you know."

Meredith looked at Derek in disbelief and then turned around to look at the funny shaped trees.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously!"

A few seconds of silence looking flew by until Meredith exploded in a fit of sarcastic laughter.

"What?" Derek exclaimed dumbfounded. "What's so funny?"

"Oh you're really crapy. Derek, you are a serious case of a bad lair." Meredith gave up the laughing and looked at him. "I didn't know that."

"No."

They sat quiet for a while.

"You never realize anything the right time, when it should be realized. You never realize that you want the blueberry muffin until after you chose the one with chocolate." Meredith suddenly said.

Derek smiled oddly at her and narrowed in his eyes on her. "So if I get this straight. You're the blueberry muffin and the one with chocolate is Addison?"

"Yeah... No! It was a metaphor!" Meredith righted herself and then paused. "It's just that I didn't realize that I wanted to be your scuba diving equipment until you changed your mind."

"Scuba diving equipment?" Derek smiled sheepishly. "What are you playing at Dr Grey?"

"Nothing! I'm not trying anything." Meredith paused and looked at Derek. The deep blue eyes glistened in the light provided by the moonlit sky. "Great guys do the right thing, and you're one of those great guys so obviously you made the right decision. She loves you, I can see that." With a tear creeping out of the corner of her eye, Meredith took a deep breath and pulled a lot of effort and strength into a smile.

"Who loves me?" Derek asked and Meredith could see a single tear, little tear find its way down his cheek but her instinctably wiped it away with the help of his sleeve. Meredith couldn't help to notice him wearing the dark green college pullover, her favorite among his collection of sweaters he could pull the collar out through the neck, a style only he could pull of.

Before it abruptly ended, had their relationship really come to the point were they had favorite garments out of the others closet? She had his dark green pullover and he had her Dartmouth t-shirt.

The answer was obvious.

"Who?" Derek repeated.

Meredith knew what he meant, but she wasn't on the bright side what she meant herself. There were two options: Addison or, Meredith.

"It's your choice." was a quite rational answer, making Derek quite confused. He looked strangely at Meredith, but suddenly he smiled as he was pulled out of his confusion.

"It is isn't it?"

Quietness was spreading over their lips as many times before, with their breathing as an only source of sound.

Suddenly Derek rose and placed himself in front of Meredith. He gave her one of his smiles.

"That's way everyone call you McDreamy." she smiled

"What?" he asked, already knowing what the answer was. Burke had informed him on that point. "What does?"

"That," she pointed around the mouth area. "you know, that smile."

Derek waved away her answer. He looked at her and she looked back at him.

Silence again.

"What was the real reason for you to stare at me before Dr Shepherd?" she said and raised her eyebrows.

"Your hair. I noticed it was flat. It's nicer wavy and a bit messy." It wasn't the real truth but it was a truth. He liked her hair the unruly version. "It looks more alive." he paused. "You look more alive."

Meredith smiled to herself; she liked it that way too. Izzie had bought a new hair flattener and wanted to try it on Meredith. She had her objections but got overruled as Izzie told her that her own hair was quite perfect this morning and that she couldn't try it on George's cause his hair was to short, and of course, which George informed Meredith on, that he wouldn't let Izzie touch his hair in a million year, not even if his life was at stake.

Obviously the flattening wasn't a hit.

"Nice talking to you Dr Grey." Derek said softly.

"You too Dr Shepherd." Meredith kept it professional.

Derek turned around and started to walk against his car in the parking lot, leaving Meredith alone on the bench.

Meredith knew if she didn't say right now what she wanted to, she would regret it. They wouldn't have that many moment alone cause either her friends would be with her or Derek would be accompanied by Addison or it would be some another member of the staff around, or it just would be awkward between them.

Now it wasn't awkward between them.

"I lost you, didn't I?" Meredith finally said and waited for Derek too turn around and he did.

"No you didn't." he sighed and shook his head. "I lost something..."

"Oh." Meredith bit her lip and looked at Derek, walking to his car. As he opened the door, he tilted his head and grinned. He looked up at Meredith.

"Lavender." He shouted. "A truth!"

**Post-Op Author Notes: **As said; an Addek or a MerDer, it's left for you to decide, cause I'm obviously not going to do it for you. And for the ones who noticed in the beginning of the fic; it was a part of 'The City Lights by' Umbrellas. I just thought it was a quite beautiful part and it matches "my" ending of the story which is that Meredith and Derek don't get together after all that happened, it's too painful for them I feel. Though it does not necessarily mean that it's a Addek, that Derek will still be together with Addie. After all even though my brain made this one maybe a bit more of an Addek, I'm still a MerDer at heart.

Goodbye for know and it's all up to you, don't forget that!

**PS** As said _Pre-Op_ **_ER_** it, cause by being criticized you learn how to make your writing better.


End file.
